Today, meet Nadia! She is sharing her heartwrenching story of infertility and miscarriage. God graciously sustained her family through it all, and she now has three beautiful children!
I was 21 when my husband and I were married. After our first year of marriage, we decided we were ready to have children, and it never crossed my mind that this could be difficult.
However, a year passed and there was no baby, no pregnancy. We were so young and healthy, we thought nothing could possibly be wrong, but we went to the doctor anyway to get checked out. That’s when we learned the devastating news. Due to some physical problems stemming back to his own birth, my husband had a very serious, incurable form of male infertility. The diagnosis of near-sterility was very extreme and very grim, and although we were both healthy, we were told that we would not be able to have children without extreme medical intervention. Even then, the chances of success were quite slim.
Of course, you can imagine, we were both devastated. As for me, my reaction did absolutely nothing to help my husband. I was so, so shocked and angry. I responded to the news by fighting in every way I could. I became obsessed with male infertility, learned everything possible about it, and sought out new treatments and new doctors with every spare moment I had. Ultimately, they all said the same thing. There was not much to be done. Doctors were willing to give us infertility treatments, but there was almost no chance it would work. We did not have much money. It felt like we were crippled.
I did not turn to God during this time. I turned to medicine, and to my own power that I believed I could make this happen for us. We entered a very dark period. For the next several years, we were very unhappy. My anger turned into depression, and every part of life became painful and difficult and miserable. Both of us were dedicated to our marriage, and we still loved each other, but there was so little enjoyment of each other or of anything in life. There seemed to be no hope for us, no future, no way to have the family we had planned to have, and I could not let go of my obsession to have a child. We could not agree about adoption. Every discussion we had about it ended up in confusion and unrest. Personally, my faith in God was at a pretty much all-time low. I failed to seek His help. I just kept on running.
In 2004, things changed very abruptly. We had been trying some medications and fertility procedures, hoping to increase my fertility to help compensate for his problem. The medicine had horrible side effects on me. Nothing had done any good at all, until in June when, following a treatment cycle, I became pregnant. It appeared to be the miracle that would heal us. We were over the moon, ecstatic, so relieved, and so certain that God was finally answering all of our prayers with a miracle pregnancy, a miracle child. The pregnancy was physically horrible, I was so sick, but I did not care at all. I was incredibly happy.
Then, in my fourth month, right after I had been shopping to buy all of the wonderful maternity clothes I had wanted so much, feeling so excited about the growing baby and my growing belly, we went to the doctor for a check up. And there was no heartbeat anymore. Our baby girl had died. It was so hard to believe. It hurt so much. To make things worse, my body would not let go of the baby. I went in for a D&C that was supposed to take 45 minutes and I would be home that same afternoon. Instead, the doctors were puzzled and panicked when, for no apparent reason, I almost bled out on the operating table. As it turned out, I was in surgery for over four hours, and I received five units of donated blood. When I woke up, I pretty much wished that I had died. It took a long time to recover physically, and my husband and I found ourselves at a new low, so very very low that it didn’t seem possible for things to get any worse.
We discovered some things at this point. We loved each other, and we wanted to be married, and we were sick of being miserable. We started taking care of each other. Also, we discovered that there was absolutely nowhere left to turn, and nothing left to fight with, and the fighting against infertility was over. For the first time, I completely surrendered to God. For the first time, I gave him our infertility, I gave him my unborn daughter, I gave him all of my pain and sorrow, and I didn’t ask for anything in return. I was finally broken enough. Although I was still full of hurting, for the first time I had peace. For the first time, I could sleep at night. For the first time, I depended on God, and it felt so good. My heart still longed for a child, but I was willing to surrender that desire if God asked me to.
We believed our daughter had been a miracle, and it was unlikely to happen to us again. We started to let go of our dream of being parents, and instead we started praying for God to lead us on his path, to heal us, and to make our desires the same as his.
A few months passed, and in the middle of all this brokenness, my doctor suggested that we think about trying one more procedure, because we were so low, even if it failed, it couldn’t cause us any more pain. We prayed about it, and we decided it was worth one last effort. I injected myself with fertility drugs, again, and we had the procedure. I didn’t really expect it to work, but I was okay with that, for the first time. And, to our very great shock, it did work.
Our Katherine was born in September of 2005. She is the loveliest creature I have ever seen in my life. She has been cherished. Even when I look at her now, seven years later, I still can’t believe how truly good God is and that this precious child has been entrusted to me.
A year later, we were very, very, very astonished to find out that, completely by surprise, I was pregnant again. I still do not understand how this happened. We were not supposed to be able to have children at all, especially not without extreme medical help, but something changed physically in my husband. I believe he was healed by God, because there is no other explanation, besides that God took away our infertility. About two months into the pregnancy, we had two more shocking discoveries. I was carrying triplets, and I had miscarried all three. This was very, very hard to take. It seemed like we had already paid our dues, in the infertility and miscarriage department, but this happened. We were able to make it through with a measure of grace and dignity, because of the way God was shaping us. Also, once we had learned to cling to God to be our strength, it was easier to do this the second time around.
A year after that, our second daughter, Leslie, was born. Leslie was just beautiful, and she amazes me every single day. We felt like we had won the lottery twice, with two daughters. We also started to feel like we had passed out of being an infertile couple, and moved into a new phase of life. Everyone in our family said things like, “I knew you weren’t really infertile! You were just too impatient!” It was very hard to explain that yes, we really had been infertile, but apparently we weren’t anymore!
Soon after our second daughter was weaned, I began to feel very funny. I knew I couldn’t be pregnant because we were actually using contraceptives at that time. On a whim, I took a pregnancy test, and wouldn’t you know, it was positive. I actually cried. I was so afraid. Pregnancy has been so hard for me, so full of worry, and physically taxing. Of course, we knew there was room in our hearts for this baby, and I felt joy mixed with stress and worry. Only a month later, I found out that I had also lost this baby. This is when I had my strongest moment of questioning God.
Why would he create a baby when we hadn’t even wanted it? Why would he take it away? Just when my heart had been totally won over to the idea of another baby, just when I became convinced that the timing would work out after all, then the baby was gone, just like that. And it was my fifth baby to die before birth. Through genetic testing, we knew that all of our previous babies had been girls, but with this one, there were no test results, no answers, no reason for the miscarriage, and we never knew if it was a boy or girl. This makes me really sad for some reason, even today, that I can’t even have that knowledge about my child. But I take comfort knowing that I will find out someday, in heaven, when I meet that child.
I did not lose my faith in God, but I did ask him a lot of questions. And the only answer he gave me was this, “I am God.” That’s all I had to go on. God had not let me down before. God had blessed my life tremendously, and I had to trust him. My husband and I continued to lean on him together, and having our daughters with us helped so much in coping with the loss.
Do you have an amazing birth, pregnancy, or adoption story to share? A story where the hand of God was mightily on you and your baby? I am looking to begin featuring these types of stories on this website on a regular basis! If you have a story, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.