Honestly, I never wanted to write this post. This is my miscarriage story. A story that I would like to hide in the depths of my soul and never speak of again. The gentle promptings of the Holy Spirit have awakened a desire however. A desire to share my story, so that possibly women will hear and learn from my anguishing mistake.
It was late May 2005. My husband and I had been married for two glorious months. I was on the birth control pill at the beginning of our marriage, since having a baby wouldn’t be the wisest decision so soon after marriage. I had been a widow for almost two years, and we were raising three small children from my previous marriage. We decided to throw caution to the wind however, and I stopped taking the pill.
I basically became pregnant immediately. We were overjoyed! Everything seemed to be going well. I made an appointment to see my obstetrician at the five week mark and set about my days with an inner glow knowing that a small life was growing inside of me.
Just a few days later, I began to feel different. Moody. I began to cry at the slightest thing. This wasn’t consistent with my other pregnancies at all. Although I grew slightly concerned, I brushed it off.
The morning of my obstetric appointment I ran a package to the post office in town. Once I was out and about, I knew something was wrong. I called my doctor, and they asked me to come in right away. An ultrasound confirmed my fears that my baby was… gone. At the same time a blood test confirmed that I had been pregnant.
I just sat in tears in that doctors office. Falling apart. The ultrasound technician was very kind, but my obstetrician thought that I had lost my mind. You weren’t very far along, she said. You will be fine and have other babies. This happens quite often if couples do not wait several months after coming off of the pill before trying to conceive.
What was that? The pill caused this? Oh, yes, she said. The birth control pill causes the uterus to become very inhospitable to a newly conceived baby.
At that moment, I knew that although accidental, a choice I had made murdered my baby. I alone was guilty. Miscarriages are called spontaneous abortions. That is what my actions did to my child.
I know good and well that miscarriages are actually quite common. I truly believe that God has a purpose for all miscarriages that begin by no fault of the mother. This scenario was different however. My selfishness had caused this.
Selfishness is sin. Not believing God’s Word concerning children is sin. My sin made a mess and the consequences were great. That’s what sin does. It lies, it steals, it destroys. It will not rest until it pushes a deep, dark wedge between ourselves and God.
Jeremiah 1:5 says, Before I formed you in the womb I knew you… This tells us that God knows us before He places us in our mother’s womb. Psalm 139:13 says, For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. This tells us that God is the master Creator of new babies. And I snuffed out His creating hand like I knew best.
We all know God is sovereign. I could say, God could have stopped this from happening. He can do all things! Therefore, it’s not my fault. My choice made while in sin caused this however. I chose to upset the reproductive system which He created perfectly to compliment His plan for my life.
I was told to come back in a week for another blood test to confirm that the miscarriage had completed. I did, and it had. I became very depressed during what should have been such a happy time in my life. My husband tried his best to console me, but I was still just…brokenhearted. I became pregnant again about a month and a half later with our sweet and vibrant fourth child. She lifted my spirits immensely. The hurt was still there however, and when my daughter was one I began having panic attacks. I only had a few episodes, but one night I ended up in the emergency room. That was my breaking point. I knew something had to be done, and I knew who I needed to turn to.
Jesus. My sweet Jesus. I cried out to Him, and God forgave me. He comforted me. He again made me whole. Forgiveness is worthless if you do not purpose to turn from your sin. So I did. We plan on welcoming additional babies with open arms, without attempting to control the Creator.
I’ve compiled a small resource of information concerning birth control here, if you feel compelled to take a look.
Also, do you have an amazing birth, pregnancy, or adoption story to share? A story where the hand of God was mightily on you and your baby? I am looking to begin featuring these types of stories on this website on a regular basis! If you have a story, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.